I feel like a fucking soldier at war and I’m just here writing letters to a woman I care deeply for and just like praying I can get back to her and maybe she’s got a shoe box of letters under the bed with one on the pillow and I’m making promises to come back home safe and to never leave and counting days like you’d count stars: there are so many, and where do you start?
Wow. Thank you.
finally saw this movie. amazed that no one spoiled it for me in all this time. i read somewhere that Sofia Coppola kind of wrote Lost In Translation about her marriage with Spike Jonze and it’s interesting because Her felt like an answer to, or a companion film to L.I.T.. they both felt very similar and made me feel the same way, even through to Scarlett’s acting.
Her was very beautiful and very moving and thought provoking but i thought i would cry, but i didn’t. i cry in films quite a bit but not here. maybe because i actually thought it was going to end with Theodore and Amy’s double suicide from jumping off the roof. didn’t Joaquin just look so sublime and full of life in the film, even when he was sad? but in that last scene, he looked so worn and sober, it was shocking.
you know in In To The Wild where basically the last thing Alexander Supertramp says/realizes is: “Happiness only real when shared”…. isn’t that what Theodore knows/lives/practices? like, w/r/t intimacy and shared experience/lives he truly shared something with Samantha, however much from the outside or whatever it seemed insane, or whatever. I have this same kind of gut feeling myself when i think about my life, and i wonder if i’d want more friends, etc, and i maybe really believe that my own consciousness is more than enough to sustain my happiness, much the same way that Theo’s OS that he essentially created from his own was more than enough, but maybe i’m not explaining my thought fully. i’ve been spending time with someone, and it’s really something, to finally share, for however long it lasts for however big it does or does not grow, but it’s terrifying, too, because you feel like you’re always on the edge of a building at sunrise.
for a time he could sleep late and wake lazily and go to the gym midday after a big breakfast and sort of lay quietly for hours on end without regard for anyone, including himself but not so much recently after he adopted a dog for a ridiculous price, and now that being required so much care and at early AM hours. Anyway, usually the first to stir is the animal but on this day it was the buzzing of power tools. looking out of doors he saw prisoners doing yard work up and down his street, trimming grass that crept into the public road and cutting branches that overhang into power lines. 4 or 5 with a warden in a truck right in front of his house and reclining on his bed contemplating the nature of freedom and his own unemployed realities he choose to take some time for a little self love. all things being equal, remembering that David knew that we’re all terribly flawed and sentimental and lonely and we do so many things to shield ourselves from the judgment of others of ourselves and kind of hiding our loneliness from others so pour another cup of coffee or whatever and try to make the day seem like it’s not what it is; totally unimportant and useless, formless and a singularly unique moment in time and history.
life is legitimately meaningless. you will spend so much time in our lifetime in 2014 working jobs you don’t want to work, spending time with people who demand yours all for like, 45 minutes of quite while you’re walking your dog or an afternoon laying in the sun leaving your phone in the car. you’ll blow a month’s worth of sobriety on a whole large pizza and a 12 pack because you’re a giant pussy, easily influenced, with no impulse control because you feel life is meaningless and to be fair you ate the pizza before the beer and felt drunk (because you can get drunk off of carbs, trust me) before you took the first sip. you can’t explain why you still look at her instagram every two weeks or so because nobody takes a thoughtful photo of a meaningless object or a cityscape the way she does and even though you think it’s meaningless you still do it because habits don’t have to have meaning and if they do then that’s disorder. and so anyway, the positives here are that you’re way tanner, even in feb, than you were when she knew you, you’re legit 35 pounds lighter, and your beard looks great every time you look in the mirror so stop looking for the meaning, because what’s meaning if you can’t remember shit, and who wants to anyway, this moment right now is the most important because it’s this and these next few that you should close this browser window and go out and love your life or change it, do what you fucking want. and hey, if you don’t already know what makes you happy, what insignificant little things like sitting in a lawn chair in the sun you find meaningful you better figure that shit out because when you flip that light switch it gets dark quick.
one year later and we wonder if we’re different people now, different places for sure. have i learned anything from all that? probably. was i relieved to get away? a bit. did i find more interesting and fulfilling people? i think so. i still wake up feeling empty, go to bed feeling lonely, and maybe that never changes for some people. sometimes when we get tired in this life we’re not allowed to sleep, even though the night seems like it never ends. anyway, it’s been a whole year, and i’m still ashamed like it was yesterday, i still miss you at times but mostly i’m glad today is today, and tomorrow is something new.
"The future lay sparkling ahead, and we thought we would know each other forever."
yeah, sure. it may not get posted, but i’ll read it, if that’s something you’re into.
You’re going to have to be more specific.